


say something (I'm giving up on you)

by arieolia



Series: let's go home [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Hinted Character Death, M/M, Oneshot, Short, follows root A I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 15:44:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4227564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arieolia/pseuds/arieolia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'll be the one if you want me to.</p><p>"Anywhere, I would have followed you."</p><p>Yeah, Hide knew.  He would have followed him anywhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	say something (I'm giving up on you)

**Author's Note:**

> You may want to listen to 'Say Something' by A Great Big World before you read, but you don't have to.

' _Say something,_ '

The song played loudly in his ears, the words soft and sad.  It was clear in his mind that he shouldn't be listening to music - it didn't help him concentrate at all and distracted him no matter what was happening.  Still, he let the lyrics blare from the headphones and straight into his soul.

' _I'm giving up on you._ '

It wasn't one of his favourites: those consisted of more upbeat songs, or the ones by Backstreet Boys and similar bands.  Either way, it didn't matter.  It might not have been one of Hide's favourites, but, the blonde thought, if Kaneki had heard it and knew what they were saying, it would have been one of his.  It was really only that that drawed him into the song.

No, there was another reason; the meaning behind each vowel was quickly growing to work with his life; it was scary how well it fit.

' _I'll_ _be the one if you want me to._ '

The blonde winced, as he always did at that point.  Yes, that song fit too well.

' _Anywhere I would have followed you,_ '

He would have.  Anywhere in the world.  Hide would have gone, whether it would have hurt him or not.  It didn't matter that he was a ghoul, it didn't matter that he thought of himself as monster (he was going to fix that, first thing), it didn't matter if he would never be able to go back home.  He didn't have much waiting for him there, except for a government rank his brother was probably going to take.  If Kaneki was there, if he was happy, if they were fine, then Hide cared very little for where.

' _Say something, I'm giving up on you._ '

He tilted his head left and then right, feeling a sense of satisfaction at the soft 'crack' of his joints.  Quickly, it was covered up by disappointment.  Disappointment that he hadn't, not yet, found a way to contact Kaneki successfully.  Messaging a phone that never seemed to be on wasn't working.

He'd tried that almost four hundred -  no, five hundred times: his phone quickly ran low on memory.  Just in case that wasn't enough, he'd sent about fifty emails too.

Judging by the fact Hide never got a response, it really wasn't enough.

His phone buzzed beneath his fingers, and he tried not to be too excited by the prospect that maybe it was Kaneki, maybe he'd came back, maybe he'd realised Hide didn't care about his species -  

It was only his network provider, reminding him he needed to top up soon if he still wanted WiFi.

He balanced his chair on two legs and pushed against the table with his feet and stared up at his yellow ceiling, a stain left over from the time HIde had scared Kaneki and he’d thrown his pizza -

The blonde tried to push the memory out, and only just succeeded.  Rarely did it actually work.  Normally Hide would find himself falling into that dark pit of loneliness that he'd thought he'd clogged up no matter how hard he tried.  His stomach would flip at the sensation of falling, forever and ever.  A sudden feeling in his chest that seemed to contradict itself would appear - his heart feeling too full, almost as if it were about to explode and yet at the same time feeling so empty.

‘ _And I...I’m feeling so small._ ’

It was a miracle, really, that he could hide such a gaping hole in him with a grin that couldn’t cover up an inch of it.  That, or the people around didn’t care enough to look.

Almost, a name that sat somewhere in that emptiness appeared.  As quickly as it came, Hide forced it to disappear.  He couldn’t think that way - he could never think that way, not of Kaneki, who’d never done anything wrong, who’d only ever wanted to help him, keep him safe.  It wasn’t the other boy’s fault that he wasn’t around to even see.

‘ _It was over my head,_ ’

Hide left his exercise books and textbooks and stationary on the desk.  Even though he sat there, on that uncomfortable chair, with his legs propped up and head to the ceiling, it was clear to anyone who watched that he wasn’t really there.  His mind was elsewhere, though where exactly wasn’t clear.  Another thing you couldn’t tell simply by looking, was that along with his mind, his heart had wandered too.

Except one steered desperately away from where the other was located, despite the intense pain that came every time he looked away.

And...it hurt to remember that.  Hurt to remember the strike of pain and fear that would burst through him, like a sword through his very being, to even think that maybe...he should give up on Kaneki.  Let his brain do as it wished and finally leave his heart behind.

It hurt even more to know that he could do it.  Kaneki had managed to leave him behind. No, he thought furiously, he hadn’t left him.  He was protecting him.  He wanted Hide to be safe, that was all.  Even though he’d never asked Hide’s opinion, he was doing what he thought was right.

‘ _I know nothing at all._ ’

The words struck a chord in his heart.  He felt himself block out the thoughts again.  Kaneki was good, he didn’t mean to hurt him, he didn’t mean to leave him, didn’t mean to make him feel like Hide did.  But the fact was, Kaneki had.

And, with a second of hesitation, he pulled down the dams.  The walls that held back a river of blood mixed with tears.  The blonde let himself wonder what it would be like without Kaneki.  Would it be so hard?  It’d been so easy to make friends with people at the CCG.  At school, too.  He got along with everyone; nothing kept him so tightly bound to a man who’d left him.

What if he moved on?  He was an Assistant Investigator now, and soon he’d be official.  The pay was good.  He already had friends there - Amon and Akira and Takizawa.  Kaneki was not someone he needed, not someone he had to stick by -

‘ _And I...will stumble and fall._ ’

Something warm trailed down his cheek and Hide recognised it as a tear.  The man felt the usual cold and empty and yet full feeling in his heart strengthen.  it burned and froze at the same time.  He felt himself choke in agony.  He lifted his feet off of the ground and pulled his knees to his chest.  Hide felt his trousers go damp from tears.

‘ _I’m still learning to love._ ’

He opened the dam, so really, this was all his fault.  To contemplate ever leaving Kaneki hurt.  It pained him in a way that leaving behind his older brother and parents for almost a decade never had.  Hide loved Kaneki more than he’d ever loved them: it was something he’d realised months ago.

Hide remembered a time when he thought he would never fall in love, remembered a time when he wished so desperately to find someone who would make his palms sweaty and heart skip a beat.

‘ _Just starting to crawl._ ’

If this was love, Hide thought, then he couldn’t help but think he would have been better off without it.  If love hurt people this way, what was so good about it?  If love burned and froze your heart the way it did his, what was the point in it?  Was there any point?  It did nothing but make you worry, did nothing but bring pain.  It was a burden on one’s shoulders.

‘ _Say something,_ ’

Ah, who was he kidding.

‘ _I’m giving up on you._ ’

Love was tragic that way.  It froze you with fear and burned you with happiness.  It cursed you with worry and yet blessed you with bliss.  It hurt and it healed.  It was put weights on one’s shoulders but lightened one’s heart.

Hide wiped his tears.  Two large, dark marks stained his trousers where he’d pressed his eyes.  He felt tired, and his body ached, joints yearning for some movement.  He hadn’t slept since noon the day before, and could feel his eyelids drooping without his permission.

Still, even though he stumbled a little, he cleaned up his desk.  Tidied away his work books and pushed his textbooks into a drawer, put his pens and pencils away and into the pot.  When at last it was clean, there was only one thing out of place.

His phone.  It sat there on the wood, screen blank and dark.  Hide picked it up, stopping for only a moment to think, before pressing the on button.  His slide his thumb to unlock it, typed in his passcode slowly.  The glare of the screen made him flinch, and he quickly pulled the brightness down.

‘ _Say something,_ ’

The song played loudly in his ears, the words soft and sad.  He pressed his inbox.  There were no new messages - he almost laughed.  As expected.

Then he paused, thinking.  Debating if he should really linger around a shadow.  Should he really waste his time sending messages, if they weren’t ever going to be answered?  His finger reached for the off button, sitting on top of it but not pressing.  Almost as if he were threatening Kaneki, without him knowing.

‘ _I’m giving up on you._ ’

He didn’t press the button.  Instead, his fingers reached to the pop-up keyboard and tapped away at hiragana.

He sent two words.  He hoped it was enough to tell Kaneki - enough to make him understand.  Hide was giving him chance.

Kaneki never takes it.

**  
**

=================

**  
  
**

One day, Kaneki Ken will read it.  He’ll take an hour surfing through his emails, once everything was over.   _Where are you_ and _rabbits die of loneliness, you know_ being some of the many things Hide had put down as the subject.  He’ll remember to go to Hide’s and pick up all his belongings, once 20th Ward is opened up again.

One day, Kaneki Ken will read it.  He’ll be packing things up from Hide’s apartment, numb, taking the things he knows are precious.  On his desk, he’ll find the blonde’s phone, still on charge with the headphones still in.  He’ll play Hide’s favourite soundtrack.  He’ll sit just as Hide had once sat and look through the many messages Hide had once sent.

One day, Kaneki Ken will read it.  He’ll spend two hours reading every text before it, slowly reading out every word, reminding himself his best friend really had loved him.  He’ll come across some which break his heart - no, they all do. Some just hurt more than others.  Some of them kill him. 

One day, Kaneki Ken will read it.  It’ll be 1AM in the morning with the sky still dark and snow falling from the sky.  He’ll come to hate snow.  He’ll have his head against a window, condensation sticking to the glass.  He’ll stare out into the white expanse, regret in his mind.

A song will play.  A song that a month from that day, another man cried to.

He’ll finally be close to the end of texts.  He won’t want it.  He’ll wish that the texts never ended, that they continued on as if Hide had never stopped.  Kaneki will wish he was there to even think of sending any.

Even so, he’ll read it.  He’ll read it and feel every emotion the blonde had done, feel the burning in his heart as it froze at the same time.  He’ll feel his heart crush, and he will struggle to decide what hurt more: the fact Hide was gone, or the fact it was his fault.

The song will play loudly in his ears, the words soft and sad.  The last few vowels of the last piece of music in the soundtrack will come up just as he reads the final text.

 **‘** _Say something…_ ’

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry!!! I think I killed a part of my soul writing this.
> 
> The song is 'Say Something' by A Great Big World and I definitely recommend you listen to it, it's quite beautiful.
> 
> I don't think I've ever written angst. At least, nothing longer than 100 words. This was basically practice for that. Anyway, this feels really weird to read. It just doesn't flow right, I'm not sure.
> 
> I just want to remind everyone reading this very quickly that I am only thirteen, so I don't really know anything about romantic love. Most of my experience of it is from fan fiction (that's actually really sad). I'd just like to add that I don't agree with how I wrote Hide in this - the fact that I wrote him continuously trying to justify Kaneki's actions makes their relationship seem somewhat abusive to me, somehow. I like to think that Hide never gave up on Kaneki ever but that's the silly fan girl in my mind, so I tried to make this a little more realistic by making Hide re-think his devotion to Kaneki. It still seems too unnatural, I seriously need to practice writing emotion.
> 
> Please bear in mind that I use Standard English, so some words are spelt a little differently. Otherwise, tell me if I have any punctuation, grammar or spelling mistakes. Thanks!


End file.
